.it's all in me.

.now the post underneath this -which is actually posted first though you will read this one first- i mentioned i can't become the person that people want me to become.

.now i've come up with a general theory. all females and all males don't apply to this but this is based off of general observation including me. i feel like it's in a female's nature to be naive or gullible and it's in a male's nature to feed off of that. honestly im about to admit something that i shouldn't. even though i've learned from my mistakes and have grown up to see past the games and the lies, i'm still naive and gullible. i fall for these things and i can't determine if it's the truth or not and i don't want to be that girl that pushes someone away with their constant nagging or insecurity at times but it's like how can guys just feed off of a girls naive-ness and continue to feed them lies that they know the female will believe. it's just so natural for the guy to do these things. i don't understand how both females can grow up and be this way and males can grow up and be this way. i know there are some females reading this like "psh yeah whatever i don't fall for the games" but sweetie, before you mastered it or decided to think like that man, you did. and just as easy as it was for you to fall for the game it was that easy for him to feed you the things.

.it's sad that i still fall for some of the lies and disappointments but i honestly can't see myself becoming that girl who completely cleanses herself from the things of her nature. i'm afraid that if i do, then i'll lose myself. i've really learned how to close myself up and maintain life alone. so that means i know how to use people for exactly what i want without feelings attached, or as serious as they can get. that scares me. i don't want to be that girl. but i'm tired of making the same mistakes. it's just like *sigh; shaking my head here we go again* and i get over it quickly but that doesn't justify that the lesson wasn't learned.

.how does one change what's in their nature? why does one have to change? why can't i continue to be who i am? why must i change because that kind of lifestyle works for you decisions.. decisions..

.i'm only content with life because i see no immediate change. he's told me not to wait for him so i'm not. i've tried all i can, and clearly what he wants isn't the best for me. got it. but when change is needed, then i will change? ughh idk. i mean im not really content with a certain relationship but i'm tired of complaining about it. i'm stuck no matter how much i talk.