.i'm sorry.

.so there is this guy who cares soo much for me, maybe too much. when i was in my car accident, all alone, he offered to hop on a plane and comfort me. he's always telling me nice things, he checks up on me, he gets to know exactly what i like and don't like, he offers me things that most people don't and he's so sincere. basically he's everything that i need right now. and even though he has all of these qualities that are excellent for me and that i should be embracing right now, -- he's just not what i want.

.i feel terrible about it too. it's not that i find him unattractive or there's someone else there- because there isn't, it's just i don't want him. and i'm constantly debating myself about this because he truly cares and it's something that i deserve but i can't seem to allow myself to truly embrace him. and i'm like ugh, what am i waiting for? everything that i need is right in front of my face, someone is willing to give me what others were too afraid to give but i just won't take it. it's like i'm soo used to the past i don't think i'd be good enough [right now at least] for him. maybe he's just tooo good for me or cares too much. i don't want to lead him on though, but i adore his friendship and i don't want to let that go. today he told me he's fighting a battle towards the thing that he wants, i asked him well who are you fighting against, and he said me, that i was who he was battling. that cut me deep, cut me like surgery. but if my heart isn't going towards his way, there's nothing i can do about it.

.smh.